Saturday, June 29, 2013

Bed, Bath and Beyond

I don't know how it came to pass that a wide-eyed adventurer, like myself, would reach adulthood with so little "big city" experience. Perhaps it's because I come from a small river city with only one set of escalators. Maybe that's why I have to really concentrate on escalators so I don't fall off... Although, I have pretended to read a magazine while I watch other people in my hometown use them, and they don't seem phased at all. So maybe it's just me.
And maybe it's just me who has never been to Bed, Bath and Beyond. We don't have one in town, but most everyone (I'm guessing) has made the pilgrimage to a neighboring, bigger city to visit this place.

I suppose it isn't a huge necessity in life, to experience every department store, but this one in particular stands out. I think it's the "Beyond" offering (that the name suggests) that piques my interest. I have a bed, after all. And as far as bathing goes, there is really only so much stuff I can fit in the bath with me, so I tend to be pretty practical about that stuff. 

"Hrmm, self-watering flower pot that glows in the dark to function as a bathroom night light? Nah, I'll just take the soap, thanks."

But what is this "beyond"? Is it just the kitchen, or is a hole in the space-time continuum? Is it the reading nook or perhaps the reason you got out of bed and took a bath in the first place? Would buying something in the beyond section of the store be a cause for celebration among agoraphobics, or is it just a new pillow for the living room? I needed to know more about this beyond.

So I did what every "normal" person would do. I got in my car, and went out to get some wine, and then I came back home, and then I looked it up on the internet.

The first "beyond" page is titled "Campus and Beyond". So the beyond is college and then life? Get out of bed, take a bath and go to college. Okay... From there, however, my choices are: sleep, organize, study, or wash. Hrm. I don't recall doing anything like that in college. Interesting...

Unfortunately, after further exploration, it turns out that the beyond part (as far as this franchise is concerned) is really just the rest of the house. No agoraphobic celebrations will be had on the purchase of  hang-gliding equipment, or comfy shoes to wear while time-traveling through holes in space. It seems that while Bed, Bath and Beyond has much to offer to furnish your living space, they don't sell anything to help you with the "beyond" in your life. They don't have instruction manuals on how to safely mount an escalator without looking like Frankenstein in stiletto heels. They don't sell round trip tickets to your future. They don't have displays of mannequins modeling the person you hope to eventually wind up being. I guess "Bed, Bath and Bunch of Other Stuff For Your House" just wasn't as catchy, exciting, scary, nerve-racking, difficult, painful and promising as BEYOND.