Sunday, June 9, 2013

Oyster Crackers

I thought I should let you know (before I have too many followers and my blog ends up impacting stock market trading) that I have no idea who is still buying oyster crackers. Especially since the introduction of Goldfish crackers. And then since NATURALLY COLORED GOLDFISH CRACKERS hit the market. I mean:  What? Worried your soup is going to get too exciting?
"Mildred! I can't eat this! What's this in my soup? COLORED FISH CRACKERS! Are you trying to give me a heart-attack, Woman?!"

Besides, who ever heard of using oyster crackers as a side dish at dinner time? Goldfish on the other hand, well, they look like fish and are made with real cheese! Sorry to any oyster cracker industry employees, but you may want to think about other employment options when this latest batch of centenarians are done with their soups.

If you would like to stay within the promising realm of factory food worker, may I suggest the booming ketchup industry. I can assure you, after years of trying to use these "yucky" things called "herbs and spices", and sacrificing countless pounds of food in trial and error, ketchup is really the only thing that will never ruin your dish. What's more, one can never use too much of it. As a matter of fact, the proper amount of ketchup on many foods is apparently not achieved until the ketchup is dripping off in great blobs.

Ketchup also makes a wonderful side dish at dinner. It counts as a fruit/vegetable, of course. It is the flavor of the majority of the dishes I make. Other flavors, in no particular order, are: ranch flavor (dairy group), peanut butter flavor (meat group), chocolate flavor (bribe group), and syrup flavor (breakfast group). And you know how the doctor says to limit your sodium intake? Ha! Who needs salt when you can add colored sprinkles!

Anyway, back to the lowly oyster crackers. I thought maybe I was missing something, so I asked the husband how the oyster cracker industry could possibly still exist. He looks at me in shock and replies, "What do you mean? I'd eat the shit out of some oyster crackers!" I must have given him a strange look because he followed that up with: "And lots of churches use them for communion because they're so cheap." I must have given him an even stranger look then, this man whom can eat the shit out of church communion, because I know for a fact he dislikes both soup and church going.


However, I think I know just what to get him for Christmas, if the old people and the churches don't drive up the price too much. ;)