Monday, April 20, 2015

A Poem: The Monolog of a Toddler's Mother

Instant oatmeal and Doritos with chocolate milk.
For breakfast.
Uh...how about some eggs and toast?
No?
Well, here...why don't you jump on the trampoline
in front of the mirror
for a minute
so Mommy can make some eggs?
Oh no.
NO!
Let's not swing the framed glass photos on the wall.
Okay, let me take those down then.
No, you don't need in here...
Honey, that's perfume, don't eat... ya, see?
That's yucky.
No, no, don't eat it again.
Okay, here, spit in the trash can...
Dude, you just spit on my pillow?
Crap, the eggs.
Here, let's strap you in and eat.
No, don't...throw it.
Okay fine.
Here's some oatmeal and Doritos.

I need some coffee.
Ewww, there's scrambled egg in my toe-crack.
Nothing says homemaker
like the smell of Doritos and coffee.
At least my pillow smells like perfumed spit.
Bonus.

What should we do today?
Want to see if ice cubes
will get the sucker chunks out of the carpet?
Did you poop or is that the Doritos?
Oh. My...oh. Man!
These diapers suck!
I hate you generic Kroger Brand.
No, don't play with that....
alright, at least let me wipe it off first.
Boys.
Give me your hands.
No, that's sanitizer.
SERIOUSLY, you just ate.
Yeah, see? Yucky.
How about some...come here....pants?
Okay, not these...these?
Say "red pants".
Here, just let me, no this way, stop.
Dude, you can't walk
with both legs in the same sleeve.
There you go.
Oops.
Those are on backwards.
Whatever.

I need to go to the bank this morning.
When's the last time I showered?
Will you watch a show
while I shower?
I better wait until nap.
I need a nap.
I need to get there before 12.
Hat.
Did you eat my deodorant?
I'll match a shirt to a ball cap.
It will be cute.

Oh gross!
No, don't lick the smashed sucker chunks in the carpet.
Here, come play blocks with Mommy.
OUCH! Oh for the love of God.
No, no. We don't throw.
Balls.
Want to play ball?
Catch! Good!
Okay, now throw it back!
That's not how you play.
Okay, fine we'll play chase.
I'm going to get you!
Look out for the...
Wait, wait...let me...no,
it will make it feel better.
Look, it's just frozen peas.
Okay, eat them.
Whatever works for you.

How long until nap?
OMG it's only 8 AM.
Here, no. Give me that.
LET GO.
I just want to text Daddy
to bring home some beer.
No, wine.
Maybe vodka
When he gets home tonight.
And a frozen pizza.
Let go of the...stop grabbing the phone.
I hope he can translate
"Jaoyuu winefa txs. lpizzzzzzsa. VAlium."

"You'll look back on these days and laugh,
and you'll miss them.
They grow up so fast."
Yep. I'm sure I will too.
I also think old people sit in rocking chairs
because they look less crazy than rocking
back and forth
and laughing without them.