Thursday, January 16, 2014

7:30 am
I apologize to all of my dedicated readers who have waited patiently for a new blog post. I've been so busy with this whole mom-thing, and then there was this Christmas-thing I had to do. It's just been crazy around here. Now engulfed completely in a long winter and nothing but an unfinished, very overdue library book in my way, I can write...on the back of this jelly-spattered "To Do" list...while I make second-breakfast for the kids.
(First breakfast of toast with cream cheese and jelly was "yucky" according to the Wonder Midget, while the other one smeared it around on his head and threw chunks across the room to make more room to fingerpaint what was left onto his highchair tray.)

8:30 am
So I've turned on Power Rangers for one while I get the jelly coated baby into the tub. I begin this process by looking for the tub stopper. In what must be World-Record-Time, I finally find it within the top 3 feet of laundry at the bottom of the laundry shoot in the basement. There it was, along with my car keys, a roll of toilet paper, a very fuzzy candy cane, and an uncapped marker, of course.
9:30 am
Bathing has been completed in the usual fashion: a tiny bit of hypo-allergenic, scent-free baby soap as to not make the water any more delicious than it already is for a fat, raspberry-spitting, writhing octopus. I then wrestled the octopus into a diaper and a small, fuzzy outfit that was designed to attract cat hair and other floor delights. Over the screaming and raspberry-spitting protests of the octopus I hear that the six year-old superhero in the kitchen would like a third breakfast. I manage to get him re-fed, clean up all the jelly, and slam a cup of coffee while the freshly-cleaned octopus eats what he earlier threw on the floor. By "earlier" I mean "sometime this week".

It's 11:30....almost time to make lunch.

Now don't think for a minute that I'm so absorbed in the goings-on of motherhood that I don't know what is happening in the world around me. For instance, on Monday, a large woman named Judy fell while spinning the big wheel on "The Price is Right" and broke her foot. She continued gallantly to the final showcase to bid on it, but she ultimately lost. For the last several days, my thoughts have drifted to Judy, and I wonder if she sued them for more than what her showcase was worth. Also, Drew Carey has lost a lot of weight and his hair has turned very grey. I'm a bit worried about his general health, and the strange soul-patch he grew.

I take time now to put the stayed-home-with-a-fever superhero in the baby's crib to practice his reading per teacher's request. No, she didn't request I put him in a crib to read, but it's the only place I can find to put him where his brother won't chew on him or hit him with things while he concentrates.
12:00 pm
Daddy comes home for lunch to tell me not to worry if air starts shooting from the toilet. I'm very proud to have had the where-with-all to ask "Why?". He tells me they are working on the sewers, and at work the toilet geyser-ed much like an exhaling whale. Oh, good...
More than once.
Awesome.
And then like a flash he was gone, leaving me a stout espresso to remember him by.
12:30 pm
I just put the baby down for a nap and am absolutely giddy at the thought of sitting down to fold some laundry, make a new blog entry, and watch T.V.. My favorite show these days is "The Doctors" as they hopefully discuss something embarrassingly human. Yesterday I learned quite a lot about pinworms that like to sneak out of your colon at night to lay eggs on Uranus.

So, speaking of planets, did you know that the Earth will run out of Helium in six more years?! We will have to find a way to get some from Jupiter where they apparently have a lot of it. Since I've learned of this helium shortage on Earth, images of wadding through Mylar balloons at the grocery store with two cranky children fill my soul with a special kind of melancholy. Then the chant "SAVE THE HELIUM" runs through my brain (in a very high-pitched, squeaky voice). Perhaps spoken by the whales, that also need saving, perhaps from my toilet today...

Anyway, hopefully this blog edition will give you some idea of where I've been and what I've been up to. I hope to write again sooner, rather than later, as I need to explore my emerging "I constantly hear a baby crying" schizophrenia. As always, thanks for reading and feel free to shoot me some feedback as it will give me something to break things up a bit. :)